I'm not impulsive.
I don't often do things that involve harsh consequences and when I do I usually fall hard, maybe because I'm tense when I hit the ground.
Why a film?
Sadly, because it's what I can do the best. It's the best thing I can offer the world, if I do it right.
I'm not on fire today. I haven't been in a long time and sometimes I worry it's never coming back. I'm cutting corners, caring less, doing more drugs, eating less of what I should. This isn't easy.
I was supposed to brainstorm or at least write down a list of the ideas that have been haunting me and I couldn't even bring myself to do it until the last minute. I need to re-set my expectations.
Why am I sad that a film is the best thing I can offer? Because I'm frustrated and scared. I'm frustrated that I'm not where I want to be financially or professionally and I'm frustrated that I'm frustrated. I used to be so resilient, but I've become angry and impatient. I'm having a hard time dealing with the feeling that I was closer to where I wanted to be ten years ago then I am now. It makes me sick to my stomach. I've never known what I wanted more and I've never felt so far from getting it. I think I can justify the need to be creative. At least that's what I tell my self. I don't have children.
I make documentary content mostly. But my love of film extends way beyond that. Though, I've made countless short documentaries and worked on more then a handful of feature length docs in one capacity or another. I have only cut one feature doc from beginning to end. I'd like to do more. I could tackle making my first documentary feature but my heart is in need of some shorter term gratification at the moment. I need something that will convince someone to give me money to make something feature length. Because if I wan't to edit a feature doc, I'm going to need to produce one... that is probably the only way at this point. I think I can drum up the support I'd need to make something like that. I could fulfill a dream and produce a few short pieces in the course of one year... That is something that might help. But I'm currently tired of working on short doc content... I would much rather create a series of narrative shorts, and work on stuff that is doable but new to me. I need to expand my horizons now, time to branch out. I've never worked on a feature film, nor have I done much work on scripted narrative pieces.
I've worked on screenplays for years, ever since taking screenwriting in college, but never actually tried to make one that I've written. I'm not happy with any of the stories I currently have and need to tackle new material in order to get this going.
And perhaps that's where we'll find this process at the new moon, tackling new material. Perhaps I will finally decide what material to tackle; what needs to be done. At least this is the direction I see before me today.
Thursday, June 28, 2018
Wednesday, June 13, 2018
Midnight Thoughts
Let's get a few things out of the way first.
I'm going to cuss when it feels right. It's that kind of blog.
How it works:
- do not dream of utopia will be updated on every new and full moon. This is partly based on the idea that the new moons are a great time to start something and full moons are a good time to finish something. I don't by into astrology, but moon cycles are a nice way to mark time. Perhaps there is something to be said for fixing our bodies and minds to natural cycles of nature. I like it for now because it has nothing to do with the way I mark the work week or fiscal year. Fuck that shit, I'm gonna howl at the moon.
- It is a journal about creativity, adversity and the process of creating.
- I intend to complete at least one single project as the blog rounds it's course. That is, when the project is done, then the blog is "done." (We'll see, I might keep it going, depends on how the project works out.)
- Each post will have a distinct theme and/or goal.
To Begin:
I wanted to start a blog many weeks ago, for some reason I don't remember. So I came here and created a template called do not dream of utopia. I have a good idea why I called it do not dream of utopia.
I drafted a post in do not dream of utopia called A Midnight Thoughts.
It was empty.
I don't know why I called it A Midnight Thoughts. I may have been tired and inebriated. I'm not sure.
In any case I'm choosing to work on art right now, rather then do the dishes, which have been piling up all week. It's disgusting really, but this needs to happen now or I'm going to loose my shit.
Looking at it now, I don't like the title A Midnight Thoughts. Even if I did have some clever or artsy reason for the bad grammar, I can't justify it now. But the title Midnight Thoughts, sans the A, sounds dangerous, and deep, and shit... yeah...
I've been re-reading a psychology book that my father saved from his undergrad years. He sent it to me in the mail when I was 24, and going through a tough time. It's more then a bit dated, it's language is masculine centric which bothers the hell out of me. Unless specifically noted they use 'he' as a general word for 'person.' Once or twice in the book they make a point to say him or her. And like, really make a point of it, seemingly in order to pat themselves on the back for being so forward thinking. At least that's how my cynical ass reads it. It's a good book though, I've read it a couple of times. That book is where the title do not dream of utopia came from. Those exact words are not in the book. But I would not have put them together with out it.
It also might be a statement from an imagined argument I seem to be having with my parents about their decision to procreate. I think they are great parents. They have never wronged me in any serious way, I feel that they set a good example of how to be good in this world. Great, in fact. I've been smugly proud of how great I think they are... but yeah, this whole "build a fleshy reality tunnel of pain and longing and tears out of the parts of our DNA that activate together... and then it has to die at some point" thing... I don't know if I wanna make that happen again. (I mean, it's cool but, so is smoking and drinking. Motorcycles are cool, but you don't see me riding one.) Or maybe I do... isn't that fucked up? Maybe I do.
It's odd, attempting to be vulnerable when there is so little you can say about yourself publicly. But constraints always make life and art (and sex!) more interesting.
That was a joke. You might never know for sure if it's also telling you something about myself. Unless you fuck me.
BUT I DIGRESS.
My apologies to Steven Bach (RIP), I will spare you my rant about how corny I think Burt Bacharach is... I really like the music in Butch Cassidy. It's so creative and it fits the film perfectly and it's exactly as corny as it needs to be. I don't know what the fuck I was thinking. I was too stupid at the tender age of 19 to come up with a good criticism. I was a hick from a small town in North Carolina, after all, my insights on the work of others were often facile, but you could tell I was weird as fuck and had really interesting ideas. So you encouraged me.
I read something about the healthcare worker suicide rate the other day that made me happy to be a film maker in 2018. So that's something, I guess. At least my expectations for fiscal compensation are very low. If I could make the salary of a RN, I'd feel like I'd won the lottery. I have a good idea of what critiques I'd lob at Butch Cassidy now. But who gives a shit? If you don't see a film that reflects your values, then you need to make a film... right?
I'm not a film theorist. I didn't go to Berkeley... I wen't to fucking Bennington. On a bad day I'm a pile of ash. But you wouldn't recognize me on a good day. On my best days I'm unstoppable. My ash pile comes from one hell of a bon fire. Of that I'm sure. Of that I'm confident. I'd like to think I still have a fat stack of best days ahead. I intend to use them well Steven, because I've crossed paths with Saturn once, and we don't all get to do it again, do we?
Sorry, I did it again, didn't I?
No! I did it! I mentioned the film. Holy shit! How the fuck did I manage that?! Well, well... aren't I clever... eh? On fourth reading it's ok I guess, I'm not gonna cut it yet.
5th reading... yeah why not? No changes.
Ok. Ok.... ok.
I'm making a film.
Good. That was a proper digression. I needed that. So much on the brain.
I make films for a living. (That's a charitable way of putting it these days.) I will talk about that here when it warrants discussion. This will not be about a film I make for a living. Though it would be nice to eventually make some of a living from this film. That is something I aspire to. I have a trade, I'd be nice if I could put it to use my way from time to time. That's not something I've been able to do for a long, long time. Usually, I make other peoples money into dreams. Creating a piece of art isn't a bad way to workout the need for control in one's life, in my opinion. But if I find I can't control this, I intend to have fun along the way regardless.
The process begins. Next Blog June 27th. Theme: the brainstorm. I have a lot on my mind. I have a lot of reading to do.
I'm going to cuss when it feels right. It's that kind of blog.
How it works:
- do not dream of utopia will be updated on every new and full moon. This is partly based on the idea that the new moons are a great time to start something and full moons are a good time to finish something. I don't by into astrology, but moon cycles are a nice way to mark time. Perhaps there is something to be said for fixing our bodies and minds to natural cycles of nature. I like it for now because it has nothing to do with the way I mark the work week or fiscal year. Fuck that shit, I'm gonna howl at the moon.
- It is a journal about creativity, adversity and the process of creating.
- I intend to complete at least one single project as the blog rounds it's course. That is, when the project is done, then the blog is "done." (We'll see, I might keep it going, depends on how the project works out.)
- Each post will have a distinct theme and/or goal.
To Begin:
I wanted to start a blog many weeks ago, for some reason I don't remember. So I came here and created a template called do not dream of utopia. I have a good idea why I called it do not dream of utopia.
I drafted a post in do not dream of utopia called A Midnight Thoughts.
It was empty.
I don't know why I called it A Midnight Thoughts. I may have been tired and inebriated. I'm not sure.
In any case I'm choosing to work on art right now, rather then do the dishes, which have been piling up all week. It's disgusting really, but this needs to happen now or I'm going to loose my shit.
Looking at it now, I don't like the title A Midnight Thoughts. Even if I did have some clever or artsy reason for the bad grammar, I can't justify it now. But the title Midnight Thoughts, sans the A, sounds dangerous, and deep, and shit... yeah...
I've been re-reading a psychology book that my father saved from his undergrad years. He sent it to me in the mail when I was 24, and going through a tough time. It's more then a bit dated, it's language is masculine centric which bothers the hell out of me. Unless specifically noted they use 'he' as a general word for 'person.' Once or twice in the book they make a point to say him or her. And like, really make a point of it, seemingly in order to pat themselves on the back for being so forward thinking. At least that's how my cynical ass reads it. It's a good book though, I've read it a couple of times. That book is where the title do not dream of utopia came from. Those exact words are not in the book. But I would not have put them together with out it.
It also might be a statement from an imagined argument I seem to be having with my parents about their decision to procreate. I think they are great parents. They have never wronged me in any serious way, I feel that they set a good example of how to be good in this world. Great, in fact. I've been smugly proud of how great I think they are... but yeah, this whole "build a fleshy reality tunnel of pain and longing and tears out of the parts of our DNA that activate together... and then it has to die at some point" thing... I don't know if I wanna make that happen again. (I mean, it's cool but, so is smoking and drinking. Motorcycles are cool, but you don't see me riding one.) Or maybe I do... isn't that fucked up? Maybe I do.
It's odd, attempting to be vulnerable when there is so little you can say about yourself publicly. But constraints always make life and art (and sex!) more interesting.
That was a joke. You might never know for sure if it's also telling you something about myself. Unless you fuck me.
BUT I DIGRESS.
My apologies to Steven Bach (RIP), I will spare you my rant about how corny I think Burt Bacharach is... I really like the music in Butch Cassidy. It's so creative and it fits the film perfectly and it's exactly as corny as it needs to be. I don't know what the fuck I was thinking. I was too stupid at the tender age of 19 to come up with a good criticism. I was a hick from a small town in North Carolina, after all, my insights on the work of others were often facile, but you could tell I was weird as fuck and had really interesting ideas. So you encouraged me.
I read something about the healthcare worker suicide rate the other day that made me happy to be a film maker in 2018. So that's something, I guess. At least my expectations for fiscal compensation are very low. If I could make the salary of a RN, I'd feel like I'd won the lottery. I have a good idea of what critiques I'd lob at Butch Cassidy now. But who gives a shit? If you don't see a film that reflects your values, then you need to make a film... right?
I'm not a film theorist. I didn't go to Berkeley... I wen't to fucking Bennington. On a bad day I'm a pile of ash. But you wouldn't recognize me on a good day. On my best days I'm unstoppable. My ash pile comes from one hell of a bon fire. Of that I'm sure. Of that I'm confident. I'd like to think I still have a fat stack of best days ahead. I intend to use them well Steven, because I've crossed paths with Saturn once, and we don't all get to do it again, do we?
Sorry, I did it again, didn't I?
No! I did it! I mentioned the film. Holy shit! How the fuck did I manage that?! Well, well... aren't I clever... eh? On fourth reading it's ok I guess, I'm not gonna cut it yet.
5th reading... yeah why not? No changes.
Ok. Ok.... ok.
I'm making a film.
Good. That was a proper digression. I needed that. So much on the brain.
I make films for a living. (That's a charitable way of putting it these days.) I will talk about that here when it warrants discussion. This will not be about a film I make for a living. Though it would be nice to eventually make some of a living from this film. That is something I aspire to. I have a trade, I'd be nice if I could put it to use my way from time to time. That's not something I've been able to do for a long, long time. Usually, I make other peoples money into dreams. Creating a piece of art isn't a bad way to workout the need for control in one's life, in my opinion. But if I find I can't control this, I intend to have fun along the way regardless.
The process begins. Next Blog June 27th. Theme: the brainstorm. I have a lot on my mind. I have a lot of reading to do.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)