Second Guesses

I'm not impulsive.

I don't often do things that involve harsh consequences and when I do I usually fall hard, maybe because I'm tense when I hit the ground.

Why a film?

Sadly, because it's what I can do the best. It's the best thing I can offer the world, if I do it right.

I'm not on fire today. I haven't been in a long time and sometimes I worry it's never coming back. I'm cutting corners, caring less, doing more drugs, eating less of what I should. This isn't easy.

I was supposed to brainstorm or at least write down a list of the ideas that have been haunting me and I couldn't even bring myself to do it until the last minute. I need to re-set my expectations.

Why am I sad that a film is the best thing I can offer? Because I'm frustrated and scared. I'm frustrated that I'm not where I want to be financially or professionally and I'm frustrated that I'm frustrated. I used to be so resilient, but I've become angry and impatient. I'm having a hard time dealing with the feeling that I was closer to where I wanted to be ten years ago then I am now. It makes me sick to my stomach. I've never known what I wanted more and I've never felt so far from getting it. I think I can justify the need to be creative. At least that's what I tell my self. I don't have children.

I make documentary content mostly. But my love of film extends way beyond that. Though, I've made countless short documentaries and worked on more then a handful of feature length docs in one capacity or another. I have only cut one feature doc from beginning to end. I'd like to do more. I could tackle making my first documentary feature but my heart is in need of some shorter term gratification at the moment. I need something that will convince someone to give me money to make something feature length. Because if I wan't to edit a feature doc, I'm going to need to produce one... that is probably the only way at this point. I think I can drum up the support I'd need to make something like that. I could fulfill a dream and produce a few short pieces in the course of one year... That is something that might help. But I'm currently tired of working on short doc content... I would much rather create a series of narrative shorts, and work on stuff that is doable but new to me. I need to expand my horizons now, time to branch out. I've never worked on a feature film, nor have I done much work on scripted narrative pieces.

I've worked on screenplays for years, ever since taking screenwriting in college, but never actually tried to make one that I've written. I'm not happy with any of the stories I currently have and need to tackle new material in order to get this going.

And perhaps that's where we'll find this process at the new moon, tackling new material. Perhaps I will finally decide what material to tackle; what needs to be done. At least this is the direction I see before me today.